Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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