the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
