My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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