I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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