I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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