Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
