Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I just made out with a guy for $7.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
