I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
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