The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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