After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
