I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
3 2 1 whiskey
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
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