Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
