And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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