I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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