his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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