you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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