I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
