my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
