Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize