So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
