peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
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