my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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