There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
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