Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize