I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Found the puke drawer
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
