I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
