My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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