dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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