Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
