im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Randomize
