just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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