So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
