I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
