I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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