I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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