I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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