After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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