I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
As shirtless as possible
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
