I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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