I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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