i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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