she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
