Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Randomize
