remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
not ubering you a puppy
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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