I hope mine doesn't look like that
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Randomize
