This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
