Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
