This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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