guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
