He had one of those small greek statue penises
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Randomize
