We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
