I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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