apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
