You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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