3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Randomize
