So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
