where am i from again
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Randomize
