I think my vagina is haunted
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Randomize
