if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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