i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
