glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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