I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
