i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
